One day I will play the accordion up in heaven, among the clouds

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  One day I will play the accordion up in heaven, among the clouds. There, where the air has no weight, where sound does not hurt. I will sit within the soft whiteness, and my fingers — those trembling witnesses of earthly imperfection — will move smoothly, confidently, without fear. There my hand will not make mistakes from the neurological disorder I have , because in eternity there is no misfired impulse, no confused message between brain and muscle, no clash between will and body. There everything becomes pure intention, an endless flow of sound and light, a complete merging between what I want and what I can . I see myself holding the accordion — that strange instrument suspended somewhere between breath and prayer. Each opening of its folds is like inhaling the sky , each closing — exhaling the light . Perhaps this is the prayer I’ve always searched for. Not the one spoken aloud, but the one the body whispers when the mind gives up control. There, above, perfection is...

Surviving in scarcity

 

I sit here in the quiet, the room dimly lit by a single candle whose flame trembles against the shadows that gather in the corners, and I realize that scarcity is not only a matter of the body but of the soul, a delicate hollow that presses against the ribs like a whispered prayer for sustenance, for light, for something that will not vanish the moment I reach toward it. The wind moves outside with a soft persistence, brushing the bare branches against the windowpane, and I am reminded that even in absence, there is a rhythm, a pulse that continues, indifferent and sacred, in its quiet insistence that we breathe. I breathe, slowly, almost reluctantly, and I feel the weight of this world that asks me to survive, to gather the scattered remnants of a life that seems always just beyond the reach of my hands.

To live in scarcity is to learn how to measure hope with trembling fingers, how to watch the small things — a crust of bread, a drop of water, the faint warmth of sunlight — and to recognize them as miracles. There is a hunger that cannot be named, not simply for food or coin, but for the feeling of fullness in the chest, for the quiet reassurance that one is seen, that one is enough. And yet, I have learned, slowly, that enough is never given, but made, distilled from the fragments of a day, the memory of a kindness, the echo of a prayer whispered beneath the ribs of night.

Sometimes I close my eyes and listen, really listen, to the silence that scarcity carves into a house, into a body, into a mind that spins restless circles around what is missing. It is not emptiness, exactly — it is more like the shape of a question pressed between my teeth, or the hollow in the earth where water once ran and now waits in patience. And I imagine that in this hollow, in this quiet, something divine might be resting, patient, unhurried, waiting for me to notice. I do not know whether it is mercy or memory or some whisper of the infinite, but when I bow my head, when I let the body slump in surrender, there is a small relief in admitting that I cannot hold everything, cannot keep everything, cannot own the fragile, fleeting sweetness of life without letting it pass through me first.

I remember the faces of those who have walked this road before me, the women and men whose hands bore the cracks of endurance, whose eyes carried the still, deep flame of survival. There is a sacredness in their restraint, in their quiet, almost invisible resistance to despair. I see them in my mind’s eye gathering leaves to make tea, scraping the last grains of rice from a pot, whispering to a child that tomorrow we will find something, something small, something enough. And I wonder how much of survival is truly physical, and how much is a matter of listening to a voice that insists — even in the hollow — that life continues, and that we continue, because we are, in some strange and tender way, part of a larger song.

Faith, in scarcity, becomes a slow, unsteady flame, one that flickers and threatens to go out in the cold drafts of fear and fatigue, yet persists because it has no other choice. I do not pray as I once did, in loud petitions, with certainty and flourish, but in small, broken murmurs: a sigh that passes through the chest, a hope that rides on the breath, a surrender that tastes faintly of ash and salt. And sometimes, in the silence between inhalation and exhalation, I feel a shift, a weight lifting not because the world has changed, but because I have accepted my place within it, a small, tremulous space where I may exist, even if only barely.

There is a peculiar intimacy in knowing what it means to live with little, for in this knowledge the ordinary transforms. The rusted hinge of a door, the sun slipping across a cracked floorboard, the sound of rain against a tin roof — these things, once unnoticed, become sacred markers of life’s persistence, the proof that the world continues in its gentle, indifferent grace, that the body and soul have not been abandoned. Scarcity teaches the body to be attentive, to taste and touch and smell the fragments of existence with a reverence that abundance often obscures. And I think: perhaps this is the crucible of the spirit, a slow refining fire that does not destroy but distills, leaving only what is essential, only what truly matters, only what the soul can hold when the world offers nothing else.

Yet sorrow visits often, soft and persistent, a shadow curling around the ribs. I notice it in the hunger that wakes me in the night, in the ache of worn shoes against weary feet, in the loneliness that lingers like incense in an empty room. And I wonder if sorrow is not a punishment, but a teacher — its lessons written in the subtle language of endurance, its wisdom hidden in the pauses between one breath and the next. There is a quiet dignity in living with less, a strange, unspoken intimacy with the divine that comes not from abundance but from need. To hunger is to know humility; to wait is to practice faith; to endure is to touch eternity, faintly, for an instant, in the marrow of the body and the echo of the heart.

I have often felt that the world outside moves without notice of those who dwell in scarcity, that the wealth of some blinds them to the rhythm of others’ lives, and yet I have learned to watch the small miracles that bloom in unnoticed corners: a neighbor sharing half a loaf, a stranger’s smile in the market, a bird daring to sing in the chill of morning. These moments are fragile as gossamer, yet they accumulate into a quiet assurance that survival is never solitary, that even in the harshest winters, some warmth persists, hidden in gestures too delicate to command attention.

Memory drifts through me like smoke, curling around the edges of my awareness. I remember the smell of soil after rain, the taste of unseasoned bread, the hush of a candlelit kitchen where we gathered what little we had and made it sacred by the act of breaking and sharing. Scarcity, in memory, becomes both wound and benediction, a reminder of fragility and a testament to resilience. Sometimes I think the heart is designed to carry more than it can bear, and yet it does, quietly, silently, like a river cutting through stone, shaping itself around impossibility until the impossibility becomes something that can be held, if only in fragments.

I have learned that to survive is not always to triumph, and that grace often comes without ceremony, without recognition. It arrives in the quiet moments when the body rests after hunger, when the mind finds stillness after fear, when the soul recognizes the infinite in the smallest of things: the clarity of water, the warmth of sunlight, the soft inevitability of breath. And I whisper to myself, as if the candlelight can hear: we endure because we must, we endure because we are made for endurance, and in endurance, there is a kind of holiness, a sanctity that the loud world cannot touch.

Sometimes I imagine scarcity as a teacher, stern and uncompromising, yet tender in ways that I only partially understand. It strips away the superfluous and asks me, almost insistently, to confront the essentials: what it means to love, to trust, to hope, to forgive, to simply be. I sit with this teacher in the quiet, letting its lessons seep into the bones, acknowledging that discomfort is a form of intimacy with life itself. And I wonder if this is why some prayers are never answered in the ways we expect: the response is not a gift of abundance, but a quiet opening of the eyes to see what is already miraculous in the fragments around us.

Night deepens, and the candle flickers against the wall, casting shadows that sway like slow, deliberate breath. I feel the pulse of my own heartbeat, irregular and insistent, and I am reminded that life persists in the body long after the world has deemed it insufficient. To endure is not always heroic; sometimes it is merely human, and yet in our humanity, there is the trace of divinity. We carry it unknowingly, like seeds waiting for spring, like water flowing beneath ice, like prayer that does not demand a response but exists for the mere act of being.

And so I sit, and I breathe, and I let the hollow of scarcity fill me, not with despair, but with a deep, tremulous awareness of life in all its quiet insistence. I trace the edges of memory, of faith, of longing, and I realize that survival is not simply a matter of sustenance, but of presence, of attention, of bearing witness to the small, enduring miracles that persist even when the world offers nothing else. There is a beauty in this attention, a grace in the surrender, a holiness in the acceptance of what cannot be changed.

The wind shifts outside, carrying with it the scent of earth and rain, and I feel a small, almost imperceptible easing in my chest, as if the world itself exhales alongside me. I close my eyes and imagine the water flowing again in the hollow, the sun warming the cold stones, the candle flickering without end, a quiet assurance that to survive is to live fully, even in absence, and to recognize that absence itself can be a form of abundance.

And in this moment, in the tender, trembling space between breath and thought, I understand, without need for certainty, that to endure scarcity is to touch something eternal, something larger than the immediate hunger, larger than the fragile body, larger than the quiet sorrow that presses against the chest. There is a sacred rhythm here, a whisper of grace in every crack of the floor, in every hush of night, in every fleeting heartbeat that insists upon continuity. And I am part of it, fragile, aware, trembling, yet still breathing, still listening, still believing, in the quiet, invisible, sacred ways that life endures when all else is taken away.

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