Self-Inquiry or "Who Am I?" - A Diary-Essay on the Long and Short Paths to Awakening

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  Morning arrives with that peculiar, almost disembodied silence in which light does not yet possess color, only contours. I sit before the blank page of my diary, feeling the coolness of the air blend with the rhythm of my breathing. In this weightless hour, before the world has imposed its noisy demands and roles, a single inquiry surfaces from the depths of my being, blurring the boundaries between dreaming and waking: Who am I? This is not merely a question addressed to the intellect; it is a muffled, yearning moan of the soul seeking its lost home. Behind me lie years of arduous, at times despair-inducing, inner labor. This is the Long Path  - the pathway of the slow, methodical polishing of the human vessel so that it may become fit for the "descent of the Holy Spirit." From the perspective of spiritual psychoanalysis, this stage is a time for the raw construction and refinement of the ego. We cannot transcend that which we have not first known and tamed. For years, I ...

Alone

 


Alone in my captivity, lost in despair,
I wander, dragging my garments in air.
The weight of it all, crushing me down,
In myself, time's stopped, in silence I drown.
In timeless childhood, stolen breath by breath,
In soulful fields, where I take flight in death.
I soar and return, fueled by desire,
In dreams awakened, here I lie, a crier.
I've lost myself in my realm's dominion,
In ceaseless seeking, my relentless opinion.
Day and night blend in their passionless fight,
For my smile to bring peaceful light.
But peace in the burden, aching and sore,
A sickness from war's loads, my being tore.
Where did I lose myself, once content and calm?
In heaven's embrace, I gave up my qualm.
The birth of rain in love's tender spell,
I hide from it, run and dwell.
For it, I divide myself untroubled,
In its magic, my heart's bubbles.
The dawn of morning's feeling's here,
I return, love, seeing me clear.
I am her reflection, and she'll see me tomorrow,
I move the pieces of myself in my sorrow.
Locked, shut, torn apart and divided,
Forgotten, discarded, torn and derided.
Alone and weeping, powerless, still,
Torn apart, hopeless, with hope killed.
Will I find myself again, I wonder?
To connect my disjointed pieces and ponder.
I'll make my move and win this game,
In boundless unity, I'll know my name.
The only feeling is pain, I breathe it deep,
Accepting it, in its mission I leap.
Tasting it, feeling it, I am it, I love it,
I give birth to it, in my seeking, I covet.
Overflowing, intertwining, enclosing, I ache,
Unraveling, separating, in pouring, I wake.
From myself to myself, let it happen, I'm eternal,
In remembrance, discovered, loved, I'm internal.
Blind in seeing, in sensations, I age,
In whispers of soft words, I engage.
I commit ceaselessly to my finding, I reign,
And here, on eternity's doorstep, I'll gain.
Love, in timelessness, clad in its attire,
Wordless, silent, speaks to me in mire.
Hopelessness, impossibility, swiftly embrace,
Forgotten, alone, in soul's understanding's grace.

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