Anelly Aya's blog

   The hour is that indefinite stretch between late night and the early premonition of morning, when the silence in the room ceases to be a mere absence of sound and becomes a dense, palpable presence. I sit before the white page and feel the ink hesitate before soaking into the paper—just as my soul wavers at the threshold of the words I must utter to myself. Today I understood, or rather, finally admitted, that truth has its own, sometimes cruel, economy. It does not simply demand; it clears. It is that invisible hand that shakes the dust from the folds of our being and often, far too often, leaves our pockets empty. For a long time, I tried to delude my inner voice into believing that it was possible to navigate between light and shadow, that compromise was merely a form of flexibility, of social maturity. But the psychoanalytic gaze into my own abyss tells me otherwise. Every compromise with the truth is a small death, a tiny fissure in the integrity of the S...

  Sometimes I think that if I could draw my life not as a straight line but as a sine wave of well-being , I would feel less guilty about the downturns, less anxious about the pauses, less harsh toward myself on those days when nothing grows, nothing opens, nothing bears fruit. It is as if a secret intuition has long lived within me—that abundance is not a state but a movement, not a possession but a rhythm, not a guarantee but a pulse—it comes, withdraws, returns again, like the breath, like the waves, like prayer, which is sometimes spoken aloud and sometimes remains only as silence. Today I am trying to write down this feeling not as a theory, but as a diary confession—because I carry it in my body, in my fatigue, in that strange sense of guilt that appears when I am not productive, when I am not “giving,” when I am not in bloom. Psychoanalysis would say that this is my internal superego—strict, insatiable, always demanding more, always dissatisfied with the pause. The spiritua...

The first light of morning creeps through the slits in the curtains, painting pale, uncertain lines across the floor. I sit with my cup, which still warms my palms, watching the steam curl and vanish into the cool air of the room—just like the images from my dream that still weigh heavy on my eyelids, refusing to dissolve fully into wakefulness. There is something strange about this state between two worlds, a sense of the soul's permeability that is strongest in the early hours. I have always known that the night is not merely a time for rest, but a stage for deep, invisible work. But today I feel it with particular clarity: a dream is not just a personal archive; it is not merely a drawer for my own tidy or cluttered memories. It is a wide-open space in which I cease to be only "I" and become part of a vast, breathing network. As I watch the world outside slowly awaken, I realize how egocentric it is to believe that everything happening in our dreams refers solely to ou...

 December 26. The hour is that indeterminate stretch between twilight and total darkness, when the light in the room acquires the color of old amber, and the shadows on the corners begin to breathe to the rhythm of my own thoughts. Today someone closes a door that I didn't even know I'd leaned in hope. The words were uttered with that polite, almost surgical precision that leaves no room for hemorrhage but causes a deep, thumping dull pain: "I will never fall in love with you, you're not my type." When you hear this, the first thing that leaves you is not the belief in the other, but the sense of your own wholeness. In the space of psychoanalytic experience, this "type" that is spoken of is actually a complex amalgam of unconscious projections, children's deficits and archetypal shadows that the other carries within it. When someone tells me I'm not his type, they actually say, "You don't fit my inner myth. Your face does not coincide wi...

  In the silence of this pre-sleep room, where the walls seem to absorb the last remnants of daylight, I am overtaken by the echo of a prayer that is not merely words, but a breath, a pulsation, a fateful rhythm. Lord, I thank Thee for all that Thou givest me, and for all that Thou dost not give. This phrase is not resignation, nor is it an escape; it is the exquisite architecture of an inner liberation, in which the ego finally bows its head before the infinite. I begin to write, my pen barely touching the paper, as if I fear disturbing the fragile equilibrium of this insight, which carries simultaneously the weight of my entire life thus far and the lightness of a newborn presence. The psychoanalysis of my desire has always led me toward the abyss of lack—toward 그 primordial longing to possess, to fill the gaps, to turn the world into a mirror of my own deficits. But here, in this sacred space of faith, gratitude for that which is not given to me becomes the highest form of spi...

  December 23rd. The hour when the night has not yet retreated, and the day is but a pale suggestion upon the edge of the horizon, is the time when truths surface from the silence like ghostly ships. I sit before the white page and feel how the silence in my room is not an emptiness, but a fullness—a dense, almost tangible substance that compels me to look inward, to that place where words usually lose their weight. Today, a thought pulses insistently in my mind, one I heard in a half-sleep or perhaps read within the folds of my own memory: “The poor man is wealthier than the rich, but he often does not know it…” How strange this statement is, how paradoxical, and yet how painfully true when viewed through the prism of the soul rather than the eyes of the world. In our culture, obsessed with possession, we are accustomed to measuring our worth through accumulation—of things, of statuses, of memories to be displayed like trophies. But in the quiet hours of self-reflection, when the ...

  The silence of this night is different—it is not merely an absence of sound, but an anticipation so dense it can almost be touched. I sit before the final page of my holiday diary and confront the deepest, quietest, and perhaps most painful territory of my existence: unrequitedness . This strange, melancholic space of "misalignment," where the spirit has already achieved its unity, but the flesh, the earthly "little body," still yearns for the warmth of an outstretched hand, for a "companion" with whom to share both bread and the road. You say something exceptionally profound: that in Spirit, everything is already shared, the answers are given, and at the level of Essence, we are one. This is the highest stage of our awakening. But here, in this physical world of forms, we experience the paradox of incarnation. Our body is the site of our individuality, our boundary. And it is precisely here, at this boundary, that these painful misalignments occur—“I wa...

  The morning is crystalline, and the air so pure that every breath feels like a small communion, reminding me that the spiritual path does not end in the silence of contemplation; rather, it is only now beginning its true journey toward the world. I look at my hands and think of the paradox of the Incarnation—if Christ is born in us , then He is born not only in our thoughts or feelings, but in our actions, in our fingers, in the very rhythm of our presence among others. In psychoanalytic terms, this is the moment of transition from narcissistic absorption toward a mature capacity for generativity—for a creativity that transcends the narrow boundaries of our own Ego. I understand now that all this rooting, centering, and purification I have written about in recent days was merely the preparation of the soil—the invisible work of the root before the first fruit appears. True initiation is not proven in moments of ecstasy, but in our ability to carry this inner light into the most ...

  The first rays of morning are still timid, as if apologizing for disturbing the solemn silence of the night, yet within me, the light has already shifted in its intensity. When I awoke, I felt that something fundamental had moved in the way I perceive the space outside of myself. If yesterday’s reflection was focused on my personal encounter with the Divine, today I understand that this birth in Him cannot remain confined within the boundaries of my solitude. It is like a stone cast into still water—the circles expand until they encompass the entire horizon of my human relationships. Suddenly, I realize that my sanctification is inextricably linked to the way I see the face of the Other, and that every human being I meet carries within them their own deep and sometimes impenetrable inner cave. Before this experience of renewal, the world of others often seemed to me like a collection of functions, roles, or—worse—as a screen for my own projections. Psychoanalysis teaches us that...

  December 10th. Or perhaps it is the 11th. Time has lost its linear rhythm since the days merged into one long, gray anticipation. The light today falls obliquely through the window, illuminating the dust motes that dance in the silence—the only motion in this room, which is simultaneously a sanctuary and a prison. I write this not to complain, but to comprehend. To map this desert we find ourselves in. The words we hear every day – impasse, inflation, unemployment, poverty, low standard, scarcity, deprivation, loneliness – sound like dry, technical terms in the news, but here, in my inner world, they have flesh, they have the weight of a stone laid upon the chest at night. I sit opposite myself in this twilight of the spirit. What we call a "crisis" is, in fact, a deep, unsettling psychoanalytic pause imposed upon us by reality; the moment when the external supports of the ego – career, financial security, social status – crumble to reveal the fragile construction beneath...

  Here I am again before the blank page, at this hour of the day when light is still only a promise, and the shadows are long and blurred—reminders of everything that remains hidden in the folds of consciousness. Today, I do not write to remember, but to forget: to forget the script I have so painstakingly rehearsed over the years, that invisible score of expectations that dictates my every step, every gesture, every sigh. Today, I open the space of the therapeutic journal dedicated to the most terrifying and most holy of all practices: Improvisation. I look into myself and see not an ordered room, but an ocean. The internal landscape is a place of constant, pulsating movement, devoid of the geometry of logic. There, in the depths, there is movement without a plan. It is ancient, pre-verbal, existing before language imposed its structures upon the chaos of experience. I feel it as a low rumble, a vibration that does not seek permission to exist. In this space, there is no score, no...

  The light outside is changing, slowly losing its decisiveness and sinking into those intermediate hours of twilight when the world seems to have stopped, holding its breath between day and night. It is precisely in this hour of silence that I open the pages of my Therapeutic Journal — Threshold and Transition — to encounter that which scares me most and yet attracts me most powerfully: the unknown. Today, I am not writing to solve problems or to plot plans upon the map of the future. Today, I write to acknowledge a state that my mind desperately tries to avoid, but my soul recognizes as home. I look inward and see that the internal landscape has changed. The clear outlines of the familiar are gone; the paths I once walked with the confidence of habit have vanished. Instead, there is a threshold within me. This is not a door that I can close or open with a single movement of the will. It is not an end, though it carries within it the taste of a goodbye. It is a place between — b...